OnlyForever

On the permanence of the nude image.

Another day at the office. Photo by Scott, 2024.

OnlyFans paid my rent for a year and a half. My boobs, my pussy, and hundreds of photos of my butthole—listen, I’ll have you know that Butthole Fridays, in which I spread my cheeks wide with a big fat smile across my face and eyes that gleefully stared down the barrel, was my most popular weekly offering. As was my special series, weenerotica, a 1000-word erotica I published every Wednesday that mined the deepest recesses of my fantasy life until I burnt out at the 24-week mark because no one goes on OnlyFans to read. (I should have started a Substack instead!) Along with “tasteful” videos of me fucking myself, this content has been disseminated widely since the end of my e-girl tenure in 2024.

Not by choice, of course. I had been warned by mentors before embarking on my online content creation journey that everything I produced behind a paywall would be stolen and given away for free by incel Robin Hoods looting the beautiful for the benefit of the morally bereft. I paid a DCMA takedown request service $60/month to blast websites with hollow threats that the image copyright holder (me) would take legal action if my nudes were not removed. Some complied, most didn’t. When I deleted my OnlyFans, I was shocked to discover this site no longer offered their services to defunct porn pages. I eventually found another DCMA takedown site that offered their services to former OnlyFans creators, for a steep fee of $200/month. I wanted my porn to go away. I wanted a future where googling my legal name didn’t result in thousands of naked photos of myself on page one. I paid the fee. Much of the content was taken down. A lot of it remains. There is very little I can do about it.

It’s easy to wax poetic on all the potentially tragic implications of having one’s naked body and sexuality on digital display for time immemorial. But what about all the good things?

One day, when I’m an old lady, all my thangs will be a-droopin’ and a-swangin’. But I’ll have these pictures of my perfect body, my perfect butthole, my perfect, joyful smile. And I’ll say, “Yup, shtill got it!” And everyone will laugh because I’ll look so different than the pictures. And they’ll say, “Wow grandma, you really lived. You look like you were having so much fun. I bet all the boys were in love you.” And I’ll chuckle, guffaw, chortle. An overwhelming bliss will take hold, coupled with a crippling grief. That was then, and this is now. But you’re right, kids. I lived.

One day, when the haters try to shame me with one of my hot photos, I can shrug and say, “And?” Because I can’t be shamed. Those pictures paid my rent. Those pictures are proof I survived. Those pictures are a demonstration of my ability to “pick myself up by my bootstraps,” create a job for myself out of thin air, and be my own boss. Like many sex workers, I take natural pride in my self-sufficiency. I fucked myself on livestream and used the proceeds to be an upstanding and contributing member of society. Am I supposed to be ashamed of that?

Writing… it’s a living! Photo by Scott, 2024.

One day, when all the women of the world have had their intimate photos stolen or posted without their consent, or have had their faces superimposed in crude but convincing deepfakes spread across porn sites, and faced discrimination in the workplace or in their romantic relationships because some insecure idiotic peons can’t respect women who have fucked, civilian women will finally understand why supporting sex worker rights is in their best interest. Because for misogynists, every woman is a whore. And maybe they thought distancing themselves from whores was their best strategy for survival, when it’s the opposite. We, the whores, with our shameless beauty and sexuality, do not uphold the patriarchy, accused as we are of “pandering” and “profiting” from the male gaze. It is the prejudice against sex workers, upheld by civilian women, that reenforces the backbone of misogynist power. The sooner civilians understand that no attempts at separating the “good” women from the “bad” will protect anyone from gender-based violence, the sooner we will see the decriminalization of our labour, the solidarity of our feminist movements, and the harm sex workers experience reduced for the benefit of all.

One day, when I am paid a living wage as an artist and I don’t have to be a sex worker at all, I will continue to be connected to a worldwide network of beautiful people who have also used their bodies to secure safety and prosperity, to empower themselves and their communities. Those are my people. My relatives. Family from all over the world. Every gender, race, orientation, age, and class—sex workers are everywhere. If you’ve ever crossed that line, we are kin and I love you.

One day, when I am dead, I will live forever. My memory, preserved in image, belongs to you. Everyone’s getting a slice of this pie. Come one, come all! Even though I’d been warned about the guaranteed theft of my two-dimensional naked body, I did not understand that it meant belonging to everyone else until the end of time. There is a regret that comes when ignorance and experience collide, a wish that I could have known better. I claim sovereignty over my temporal form, my bodily movements, my thoughts. I am the person posing for the picture but I am not the picture. And yet when my time comes and this flesh prison disintegrates, the image—and my words—will be all that remains of me on earth. I have no shame for having earned my living with my beautiful body. I have no shame in being horny for life, enchanted by the magic of turning on another human being, and paying my rent. I am proud of my living proof and the continued existence of all of my comrades. We have survived and our porn will always live to tell the tale.

Me @ forever. Photo by Scott, 2024.

A note: I’ve added my voice to this piece—do you like? On OnlyFans, I used to record myself reading my weenerotica every week, and revisiting my those years got me inspired to record this piece. I would love to hear what you think. Thank you for reading and for listening. ❤️‍🔥